I don’t think it’s understood that people can literally die of a broken heart.
That’s how I feel. Like I’m dying. Every time we disagree, every time we argue. Every time you call me a bitch like I’m not the woman who has done everything for you.. Every time I cry and you taunt me, in amusement, and tell me to shut up like I don’t mean shit to you. But I’m wrong. I must be shit to you. I must be trash. Unworthy of the love you once had for me, or lied about having. Maybe I was naïve and blind to the reality that has always been there. Maybe the person I’m missing doesn’t exist and this has always been who you are. Am I in love with a figment of my imagination? A version of you sealed away in the back of my mind that has died along with my sanity and joy? Perhaps I am. Because this. This thing that is forcing such a misery on me, this overpowering darkness, it can’t be love. This version of you, I hate it. With all of the passion in my heart, I hate you. Solely for not being the man you promised you’d be. You’ve been filthy, disloyal, unaffectionate, crude, disheartening, abusive, unloving and mostly, in no way deserving of me. No matter what you tell me, no matter how you make me seem, I know that I have been the best I could be to you. I’m proud of myself. For opening up my heart to love, and putting up with so much pain without completely losing grasp of the good person I know that I am. Despite everything you’ve done to me, I do thank you. For allowing me to feel so strongly for someone and experiencing such a becoming love for you. For giving me a daughter. My first, and probably my only.. She truly is my world. I look at her, and I find myself in tears because she is the beauty in all this disgrace. Though she is my everything and more, I feel like you shouldn’t have asked me for her. I feel like I shouldn’t have been so madly in love with you to say yes. In this I do take fault… I feel like we should not have had this precious little girl because as much as it pains me, I know we don’t deserve her. Our love isn’t good. On your part it’s obsessive, mean and controlling. And on mine it’s too deep, too gullible, too willing to allow you to hurt me. That is not an example I want to set. I want her to find a man who really loves her, and shows her that. Who has fun with her and does for her little things that will put such a glisten in her eyes, the stars will seem dim. Someone who takes care of her when she isn’t well, runs his fingers through her hair when she has a headache, and wraps her in his arms when she’s hurting. Everything I’ve ever wanted from you, I want her to have that. I don’t want her to feel incomplete and lonely when the person she loves is right next to her.. It’s the worst feeling in the world. And if I have to suffer with that feeling the rest of my life, I want her to know, every single day that she WILL have better. That her mom is not the person she should be, and that she has a value to her that’s unreachable. She’ll be wise, kind, understanding, and so many wonderful things that we are not. I’ll make sure of it. As of now, she is my only hope for true love and happiness. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy. I’m sorry my overwhelming love for you hasn’t been enough to make you treat me as I should be. Most of all, I’m sorry I ever caught your attention. Because look at us now. In our early twenties and fucked up beyond measure. This was supposed to be fun and fulfilling. Yet it’s boring and ever so empty. Besides the passing of my grandmother, I have never been so sad and depressed in all of my life. I love you, in ways words couldn’t even begin to describe… But I’d rather you let me go and love you from a distance than be strung along by this awful monstrosity you believe is a normal relationship. I wish you could feel the way my heart aches when I even say your name, the way it pounds with a passionate rage when you’re near me. You just don’t understand… how much it hurts. The way my heart is broken. The way that I feel. You don’t understand. You never will…
I feel like I’m dying.
And you just don’t care.